Anxiety because of my mother, what do I do?

Faced with that idyllic image of a mother who, in addition to having given your life, is an or, at least, exudes unconditional love for you, stands that other type of mother that we are not going to call toxic, but with whom you do have a toxic relationship. If you have anxiety because of your mother, what can you do? We give you some advice.

Does your mother give you anxiety?

It is more frequent than it seems, although we tend to idealize the figure of the mother.  But mothers are flesh and blood people who make mistakes and are also capable of harm. And more than talking about toxic mothers, we can talk about toxic relationships with the mother. Be that as it may, lately you are coming to the conclusion that your are caused by your mother.

Because perhaps your mother has set expectations on you that you cannot and do not want to meet, because you see her disappointment in her eyes, because you do not work in what she would like, because your boyfriend does not like her, because your life is not the one that she had imagined for you. And how do you feel about this situation? You are probably overwhelmed by the pressure of not meeting her expectations of her.

The feeling is one more family member who sits at the table every day with all of you. And your mother encourages it by throwing hints at you, reminding you of your mistakes about her and reproaching you for everything she considers you do wrong. That you don’t pay enough attention to her from her, that you don’t follow her advice from her or, directly that you are a disaster of a daughter. What about your self-esteem?

Because there are mothers (and fathers) who have a particular method for their children to try a little harder in life. And it is crushing their morale by telling them from a young age that they are useless. They think that this will encourage them to do better, but what they are really getting is that you.

Emotional blackmail is another regular guest at family meals. Your mother doesn’t get what she wants from you for good, and she uses manipulation and blackmail to get it, or at least make you feel guilty. It seems that your mother does not understand that living is an individual and personal thing and that her daughter is not one of her belongings to her.

How to overcome the anxiety that your mother generates in you?

These are the most common reasons that can lead you to suffer from an anxiety disorder because of your mother. As usual in these cases, even if the problem is caused by someone else, it’s up to you to solve it, but how?

You can talk to her, it’s an option. You can tell her that you are having a very hard time with anxiety and that you need her help to overcome it. This way, maybe you can get him involved in psychological therapy and see some of those mistakes that are destroying you. But to be honest, don’t put too many expectations on this option because it rarely works.

Acceptance works better. Yes, once again Acceptance comes to our rescue to overcome anxiety. Accept that you have a toxic relationship with your mother, it is important that you do so because the mother is such an idealized figure, you may not even dare to think that your mother has some responsibility for your discomfort.

Something you have to do yes or yes is learn to say NO. You have to draw boundaries, red lines that your mother can’t cross. She defends your rights, your independence from her and reduces the explanations that you think you owe to your mother.

But there is an ideal option that we do not know if you can carry out: put distance. Can you become independent? Do it at the slightest chance you have, so at least you will avoid living in a daily toxic relationship and by reducing the encounters you will also reduce the negative impact of your mother.

Of course, once you become independent, be careful not to wear it “on”! His messages from him over the years have been able to penetrate you so much that the internal dialogue that you maintain with yourself, without being aware of it, can be demanding and crushing, which you can maintain. Lowland anxiety. Learn to speak to yourself in a positive and constructive way, supporting you in your projects, on a day-to-day basis, and listening carefully and lovingly to your needs in order to attend to them as much as possible. May your relationship with yourself not become a repetition of the bond learned with your mother? 

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